Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Prepping for IUI #1

Previous fertility post: Fertility Center Consultation

Okay, BIG SIGH. Fertility stuff is already wearing me down. I am going to write A LOT in this entry, so grab some popcorn and settle in...

My thoughts:

* Zay and I have been trying to eat healthier the past few years. I got down to my ideal weight and was super active. Zay lost 90+ lbs. I was hiking mountains and Zay was looking all slim & sexy!!! Ha ha ha. It was awesome. I even spontaneously had 7 periods last year. SEVEN. What the??? I've never had that many in a year, ever. And then - with the stress of adoption coupled with my thyroid and my already existing PCOS.... I gained 40 lbs. Ugh. Zay plateaued and hasn't been able to make anymore progress. I went back to never having cycles. Anxiety has been high. Too many stressors. We are slowly coming back from that. I still don't love cooking, although I'm much better at it today than I was even a year ago. I'm addicted to sugar. Trying to lose weight and stay in shape is such an uphill battle for me that I get so discouraged. But I need to be healthy. Not just for fertility reasons, but of course that would help. Maybe. Even when I was at my healthiest, pregnancy just isn't something that happens in my world.

* After leaving the Fertility Clinic, the plan was to finish up the diagnostic testing... starting with an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) or "dye test." I took Provera to start my cycle. Can you say mood swings??? I didn't know what was wrong with me. Zay didn't either, ha ha. But that stopped as soon as I finished the 10 days of it. Whew. I started my cycle the very next day after stopping the pills, so I called the fertility specialist that Monday and scheduled the dye test. I came in a few days later to do that. Basically they shoot dye through my tubes and see if it goes through. I've heard this can be really painful - bad cramping even up to a couple days afterward, so I braced myself. And... it barely tickled. Ha ha. Didn't hurt at all. I couldn't feel anything really, until the doctor asked how I was doing and then I felt a little tickle on my right side and then it was over. Sooooo... whew! I hope childbirth is like that... just tickles a little. Lol. Anyways, no blockages! That's good!

* I went back to some of my first doctors that I ever saw and got all my medical records. It was interesting to read through the bloodwork that was done that was never explained to me. And it was annoying to have a whole page dedicated to "Pregnancy Test: Negative." I don't need a whole page reminder, thank you.
* My bloodwork came back and my thyroid STILL isn't where it needs to be. It explains why I feel super anxious, again. It's very finicky and finding the right dose is gonna be harder than I thought. I switched from Nature Throid to Synthroid (even though I liked the idea of the natural one), because I was having to chop my pills in half to get the right dose. I don't have to with Synthroid. I felt like a drug addict with my razor and my pill dust everywhere! And I could never cut the pill straight, so I was always taking slightly different doses daily. My body wasn't reacting well to that. So, I've got a new medication in a whole pill form (lol) and a slightly higher dose that I begun taking ASAP. I'll test it again in a couple months to see how it's doing. I really need to get to the point where my thyroid bloodwork comes back consistently in the right range. That is going to take time.

* My PCOS diagnosis was definitely confirmed - both with the ultrasound and my testosterone levels (waaaaaay high). On the ultrasound, she said that polycystic ovaries are easy to spot because there are lots of follicles and they're all lined up like a "string of pearls" in a circle around the edges of the ovaries. The only medicinal treatment for PCOS is Metformin. It's supposed to help lower my testosterone, increase my body's sensitivity to insulin, and possibly even lose weight. I've resisted going back on that and wanted to take a more "natural" approach to treating my PCOS, but I'm realizing now that if I take a slow, natural approach to healing the things that are causing my infertility... I'm never gonna get pregnant. My body is too far past a "gentle encouragement" and my biological clock is ticking loud in my ears and saying, "TREAT AGGRESSIVELY." So, I'm back on Metformin. And I'm gonna take it religiously. It's best to let Metformin get in your system for a few months to see the fertility benefits, so I started taking it ASAP. Again, this is gonna be something that takes time.

* Everything else with my health looks GREAT. Down to my cholesterol and blood sugar! So, yay! But then, the bad news... the semen analysis. Not so good. BIG SIGH. Basically she said that if there was nothing at all wrong with my fertility, we still weren't very likely to ever get pregnant on our own. She said maybe we had a 1% chance of getting pregnant per cycle, even if I had ovulated every month for the past 10 years... which I don't think I ever did. So the fact that I rarely (if ever) ovulate on my own and his count is so low means basically a 0% chance. Hence, I've never gotten pregnant no matter how hard we tried.

* So, my plan to get pregnant all nice and easily (ha) with a handful of IUIs went out the window. She advised us to not waste our time trying insemination at all and move straight to in vitro. Not just the average run of the mill IVF, but IVF with ICSI... which means actually injecting one sperm into each retrieved egg rather than just putting them all in a dish and letting them fertilize the eggs on their own. The success rate is really high, especially with women my age with so many good eggs (lol... fertility talk is funny sometimes). So if we want to get pregnant and we want to get pregnant quickly, that's what she's advising us to do. The majority of women who do it get pregnant on the first cycle.

* I've had some ethical hesitancy about IVF and a few weeks ago I was pretty sure I would never want to do it. Now that I'm facing it, I'm considering it. But I'm struggling with that right now.

* Our health insurance will cover 80% of fertility treatments, after our deductible, up to a $5000 maximum lifetime benefit. Sooooo, basically that whole $5000 will be used up with one IVF cycle and they won't cover anything after that. I feel so lucky that our insurance covers anything fertility-related, but that $5000 could be used up so quickly. Depending on what medications we'll need, an IVF w/ICSI cycle can cost between $12,000-$16,000. Even with our insurance, that first cycle could be $7,000-$11,000. And there's no guarantee that it'll work, even though there's a high probability that it will. There are some fertility clinics that will actually do a money-back guarantee on IVF - if you don't get pregnant and bring a baby home, they'll refund you. That sounds great and all - but the price for that starts around $23,000. And that doesn't include medication or anesthesia, which is thousands in an of itself. Anyone got a nice stack of $30,000 just laying around not doing anything? I'd love to take that off your hands. ;)

* All we can really afford is IUI, which is closer to $750 a cycle. But IUIs may be a big fat waste of time if we don't have a higher sperm count than we do. The fertility specialist referred us to a urologist who could discuss our options for treating the hubby and getting his count up. If it's something treatable, then maybe our odds may improve and our options open up. But he'll need to do some bloodwork too... and have an exam. It took 2 weeks of encouragement on my part to get Zay to agree to me setting up an appointment for him. He does NOT want to do it, lol. Of course. Who would? So I called this urologist. He's supposed to be a leading doctor in male infertility and has high success rates in treating it. This guy charges $425 an appointment... and isn't covered by our insurance. That kind of ticked me off. No thanks. Plus Zay isn't too happy about having to have a man fiddle with his junk, sooooo... I made the dang appointment for a few weeks from now, but I just want to cancel it. This guy claims to be the only urologist who treats male infertility in the state, but my insurance says otherwise. So maybe I'll try calling around and finding someone else. But I'm not sure. I'm frustrated. Mostly because treating him AND me is going to be such a pain and take SO. MUCH. TIME.

* Another thing that ticked me off...(this is a long, stupid story, but I'm frustrated and I need to type it out):
Insurance Company says, "If you're pursuing fertility treatments, you get your very own Fertility Caseworker who will help you with anything you need." Oh, that's cool! Fancy. My own caseworker who'll check up on my fertility treatments and help me access all the benefits of my insurance policy. Nice.

I call Fertility Caseworker up and she says, "You qualify for a lovely little program called Parent Steps that gives you a discount on fertility medications during your treatment." Ooh, yay! Sounds good! I'm all excited to see how much of a discount and on which medications. She says, "Just call Parent Steps and sign up for it and you'll have access to a special pharmacy with discounted prices." Yay!

I called Parent Steps - "Hi! I need to sign up for Parent Steps." Parent Steps guy is kind of flustered and says, "You want to sign up? Ummmmm.... well, we don't handle sign-ups. You need to call our partner United Health Allies and they'll handle the sign up for you." Thanks, guy. Seriously? No one's actually called the program and asked to sign up before? I'm confused, but whatever.

So I called United Health Allies - "Hi! I need to sign up for Parent Steps and I was told I needed to do that through you guys." United Health Allies guy says, "Yep! Just go to our website and create an account and there will be a link to Parent Steps." Oh, okay. Easy peasy.

I go to the website and start creating an account. Error, error, error. What the? I called United Health Allies. "It looks like you don't qualify for United Health Allies, I'm sorry. Maybe call your insurance and double-check that this is actually something in your policy." (Talking to me like I'm an idiot or trying to fake my way into a program I don't actually have access to.) I said, "No I'm sure I am supposed to be able to sign up for Parent Steps. It doesn't really make sense that I'm supposed to have access to something when I have to work through something else that I don't have access to."

I call Insurance Company - "Hi! I'm told that I have access to Parent Steps, a discount program for fertility meds, but I have to sign up through United Health Allies first and they say I don't have access to United Health Allies, why is that?" "Well, let's see here. Let's see what your actual policy says... yep, looks like right here you have access to Parent Steps. And here's a number to Parent Steps, why don't you give them a call directly?" Oh, okay. Stupid me, I just have to call Parent Steps directly. Wait, didn't I do that? I can't remember.

I called the number and it turned out to be my Fertility Caseworker... I'm really confused then.  I explain everything to her and she says, "Oh, you absolutely do have coverage! You should have full access to Parent Steps. Call United Health Allies again and tell them you should have access."

I called United Health Allies and they say, "It's impossible to sign up for Parent Steps directly, you have to go through us, and you are not in our system. I'm sorry, it's impossible. That's something that your husband's employer would have to add to your policy. You need access to United Health Allies in order to sign up for Parent Steps."

I called Best Buy's hr/benefits center - "Hi! I'm trying to sign up for something that I supposedly have access to but I really don't - what the heck do I do?" The lady is like, "I have no idea. That's something that would have to come from really high up. That's not something we can change."

I called the Fertility Caseworker again and said, "I can't sign up for the dang program. Nobody even knows what I'm talking about." She finally called United Health Allies and told them that I should be in their system and if I'm not in their system, then something is wrong. THANK YOU, Fertility Caseworker!

They checked and lo and behold, a whole big group of people who were supposed to be in their system was just left out completely. And I was the first person to bother enough people that they looked into it. I wonder how many of those people were seeking fertility treatments and couldn't get the discounted medications that they were supposed to get. They probably gave up 10 phone calls short. But not me - I refused to give up... I'm gonna keep banging my head against this wall until I break through!

Now I'm supposed to wait a couple days until the system is up-to-date and then try to sign up again on the website. If I get an error message, I just may scream.

I left out the part that half the time I was on hold or leaving messages with people who would call me back a day or two later. UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH. On a positive note, I may get a discount on those fertility meds that would make IVF so expensive. So we'll see if that helps.

* I don't want to make any rash decisions and throw a bunch of money down the drain. I also don't want to drag this out for years and years. So I'm sitting here stumped about what we should do. The fertility specialist will do the IUIs if we want her to, but the chances of them working out are really low. Higher than trying on our own, but still low. Should we still give it a shot? Should we use up the $5000 towards IUIs and do them as we can afford them? Should we go straight to the option that will give us the greatest likelihood of success and go into debt for it - IVF?

* Side note: I could've sworn when we started the process to adopt that there were all these babies that needed a home. Where are all these babies??? It was all a lie. And why is it so expensive to adopt???... And why can't I make my own dang babies??? (Not that Kal isn't "my own" - he most definitely is. But you know what I mean. It would be easier if I didn't have to rely on the kindness of others to have children. I wish I could just MAKE it happen. I'm still hanging in there for that miracle adoption situation to come up.)

* I'm not really sad about any of this, just frustrated. I've tried to take the emotion out of the fertility process or it would just be too hard. I'm looking at it as a problem that I just have to figure out the answer to. But I'm stuck. That's frustrating. I don't know what the answer is... there's gotta be an answer, right? Knowing what would work would be helpful, but I don't know what - if anything - will... so I don't know what to potentially waste my time and money on. If God came down and told me straight up that it's impossible for me to ever get pregnant, I would breathe a huge sigh of relief and say, THANK YOU. And move on. But since that's not happening, there's this nagging feeling that it'll work if I can figure out what to do.

* We could take the next few years ironing out both of our fertility issues until we get pregnant naturally or with a simple IUI. And for now, that's exactly what we're doing - I'm going to keep taking my Metformin to reign in some of the symptoms of PCOS, keep testing my thyroid and finding the right dose of Synthroid, keep trying to eat healthy and get back in shape... we may or may not see a urologist to discuss options to up the sperm count. But really, I don't know how long I can take this slow approach that may never amount to anything.

* Part of me wants to go into $30,000 in debt and go guarantee myself a baby. Let's do this dang thing!!! Part of me thinks that's completely irresponsible and I should stick with the slow & steady plan of IUIs.

* I was SO ready for this, but now I'm stumped.

Next fertility post: IUI or IVF?

Friday, May 23, 2014

Mother's Day Weekend 2014

The day before Mother's Day, Kal & I (and some friends of ours) went to an Adoption Walk. Kal had a blast and I'm so glad I mustered up the energy to go to an event like that. This was the 5th year I've gone and the first year I haven't wanted to. I'm so glad I did, though. And that I had such good company with me. And Kal got to see his best friends in the whole wide world! It was fun. I couldn't help but think back to this time last year when I walked in honor of the woman I thought was going to make me a mother-of-two... but didn't. Man, that seems like an eternity ago.

The expression on his face in this one is hilarious. Chasing Kal with the camera gets the best giggles out of him!

Proud of himself for racing and "winning!" -- all the kids win, tee hee. He looks mad, but he's really just posing proud like Superman. :)

Then came Mother's Day. All I wanted that day was for someone to do the dang dishes that had piled up, cook me breakfast, and not complain while taking the usual Mother's Day pictures that I like to do every year. And that someone didn't disappoint. :) I would've been ticked off if he had bought me something. Gifts aren't my thing. I like quality time (a.k.a. attention!) and acts of service (especially cooking for me... that's a surefire way to my heart!). So, I got what I wanted. Can't complain, right?

Oh, but of course I can. Ha ha.

Kal was so grouchy all morning and I was getting frustrated trying to get him dressed and ready for Church. He was crying and I couldn't console him. Nothing was working and I didn't know what was wrong. Zay had to work part of the day so he missed Church and had left the house when Kal was smiling and happy, so he had no idea the meltdown I was facing. I had finally got Kal to stop crying at Church... and the moment he calmed down, he threw up everywhere.

He had been eating some grapes, so there was a nice trail of half-chewed, slimy grapes down his shirt, on his pants, on his chair, dripping down the side and onto the floor. I totally jumped because it came so abruptly and scared the crap outta me. I scooped him up in my arms and ran to the bathroom where he screamed and cried and I cleaned him up the best I could. All I could think of was how LOUD cries echo in the bathroom.

I came back to our seat and tried to scoop up all the vomit from the chair and floor. I packed up the puzzles he was putting together before all this went down. I passed off some binders of things that needed to be done later to another lady in the ward and said, "Sorry - I have to leave!" A guy asked was there anything he could do to help and I told him I thought I got it all, but if he felt like scrubbing up more vomit then go right ahead! I took off, defeated. I totally wanted to be at Church that day and was looking forward to hearing the messages, but I knew Kal just wasn't in any state to be out in public. My shirt was soaked. His was way worse and he was still crying uncontrollably.

I finally got him home, stripped him down, put his pj's on him, and put him down for a nap. He hasn't napped for months, but that day he fell asleep within seconds and he slept for 4 hours. As frustrated and worried as I was, I couldn't help but spend those 4 quiet hours (while he was asleep and Zay was at work) thinking how lucky I am to get to be the one who takes care of Kal when he's sick and tired and grouchy. Honestly.

It can be tiring and dirty and frustrating, but I'm a mom. I never thought I would be a mom. Never occurred to me that it was even possible. It took me at least 5 years into my marriage before I even entertained the thought. Now it's all I want and defines a huge part of who I am. Even covered in vomit I can recognize the beauty in what I have. I am one grateful mama and I still can't believe Kal is real and that I'm really a mom. It kind of blows my mind sometimes.

And luckily Kal woke up just fine. All chipper and happy and his old goofy self again, no fever or anything. Apparently he was just really tired, lol. Eventually we all went to the park and played with the ducks and took a few pics. It turned out okay in the end. :)

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

My Life in Google Searches

It dawned on me that I Google a whole heck of a lot.

I was talking to my mom on the phone and the reason she was calling was that she couldn't figure out what type of oil to put in her car. So of course she calls me - 2,000 miles away - so that I can "look on the computer" and find the answer. She has her own computer, but when I tell her to "just Google" something, she has no idea how to do that. So it got me thinking about how often I search things.

In the last 3 weeks, I've Googled 307 times. That's craziness. I'm not on the computer that much. I think of myself as a casual Googler. But it is my first instinct when I'm trying to recall something, when I want to research something, or when I have even the inkling of a question, I Google it. I'm sure there are some more hardcore Googlers out there. But about 100 Google inquiries a week? Is that really necessary? Ha ha.

It was interesting to scroll through and see myself in my searches, though.

I Google when I'm trying to cook:
* strawberry muffins
* can I use baking soda instead of baking powder
* orange blueberry muffins
* low fat low sugar lemon pound cake

We're always baking something. It's bad. Every night we get a sweet tooth and try to figure out what we can bake. I try to make it "healthy" with whole wheat flour and fruit, but it's a pan full of gluten and sugar and fat, always. We need to do better!!

I Google fun things for Kal for our "school" that we do in the mornings. He's so good at jigsaw puzzles and has been mastering bigger ones and more complicated ones. I kept buying Melissa & Doug puzzles off Amazon. Then it occurred to me to save some dang money and Google "free online jigsaw puzzles" ... Boom, done. He has a million puzzles to do now. Genius. He loves it and is so good at it. They're kind of easier to do online because the pieces don't actually rotate/turn, so we do much bigger puzzles than he's used to so it gives him a challenge. Plus, he's learning to maneuver the mouse and click and drag things. Kids these days! I didn't really use a computer until high school! I wonder how technologically advanced things will be when he's in high school.

Of course I've gotta Google the usual funny/interesting/weird things, like:
* two sentence horror stories

* white girl problems

* redneck storm shelter

* goblin shark

* deep sea isopods

How creepy is this thing?? It's like a roly poly as big as a house cat!

* frozen goat version

And I've GOT to catch up on my favorite shows every once in awhile (I hate when the season I'm on isn't on Netflix!):
* watch season 5 of Parenthood online
* watch season 4 Walking Dead online

But OF COURSE, most of my searches are fertility/health related:

* side effects of Provera
* what dose of melatonin is safe
* how to calm down from anxiety
* how to relax before fertility treatments
* success rates of IUI with PCOS and low sperm count
* symptoms of high testosterone in women
* trying to conceive blogs
* pregnancy success stories after 10 years of infertility
* ethics of IVF
* cryopreservation of embryos
* IUI with 1 million sperm success
* IUI with 5 million sperm success
* healthiest way to increase sperm count
* what's the difference between Provera and bio-identical Progesterone
* reasons why IVF doesn't work
* reasons why IUIs fail
* Fertilaid
* IUI success rate with under 1 million sperm count post wash
* Men taking clomid
* what does a Urologist exam consist of
* does double insemination increase success rate
* IVF with ICSI pregnancy success rate
* Reproductive Care Center IVF with ICSI success rate
* can Provera be used to regulate cycles
* how much does Femara cost out of pocket
* how to regulate cycles with PCOS
* alternative for Metformin for PCOS
* hypothyroidism effect on fertility

If my Googling is a good representation of what's going on in this brain of mine on a daily basis, then DANG. Overload! I need to take a break from the fertility craziness and try Googling more news bloopers or prank calls or something, geez! I'm a researcher, though. Once I get something in my head, I want to read everything I possibly can about it. I did the same thing with adoption. I just have a one-track mind, I guess. Can't multi-task. Gotta go all or nothing!

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Life Lately

Kal, where are you?? Oh, there you are. On the counter getting some cereal, of course.

I've gotten out of the habit of writing! It's only been a couple weeks, but usually I'm always down for some blogging. I always have something to say! Ha ha. Life has just been crazy and I've had a lot to process, so it's been hard to focus.

First let me mention that my small business The Fat Squid is officially over and done with. If I could vent about why that went down the drain, I would. But if I don't have anything nice to say, I shall say nothing at all. For awhile there it bothered me that there were soooooo many good ideas left undone. So much potential. Grrr.... Let me just stop now. It's over. Done.

We found a new home for my kitties and that was hard, but necessary. For a few weeks afterwards, it felt like something was missing. An uneasy feeling. Both Zay and I would mention that we'd still see the cats out of the corner of our eye sometimes. It was an overall good thing, though. So we're moving on from that. Much easier to let go of cats after having to let go of babies! Let me tell ya.

I've gotten to the point where I don't think about our failed adoptions daily anymore. In both instances I was able to see pictures of the baby. So adorable. SO could've been mine. Thought they were going to be. But time has helped me process it all. And I've learned a lot. About ourselves, about adoption, about grief, about motherhood, about people. There were so many red flags in both situations, but of course I jumped in emotionally with both feet. How could I not? Now I feel stronger and I think I could be more realistic about my expectations if we continued to pursue adoption.

If. That's still a big huge "if." Mainly because I'm not sure it's the direction we should go anymore. I know we want to pursue fertility treatments. And I know we will do foster care eventually. But outright adoption, right now? I don't know. The right situation would have to come out of left field and take us by surprise. I just don't see it happening. Also, our adoption budget has been spent. We don't have any savings for it at this point. All our money is going into fertility treatments. So, if we adopted we'd have to go into debt to do it. Which we'd consider if it was the right situation. But not getting into debt is preferable.

We'll be moving at the end of this month. Moving means we'll have to decide whether to update our homestudy for our new place or not. Should I just not do it? I'm kinda leaning towards NOT. We'll see. Can a baby just drop out of the sky, please? Or can I just be done with adoption? Because... it's too hard.

I've been hugely stressed about the moving thing. We needed something bigger, less expensive, and close to Zay's job. And it was near impossible to find what we were looking for. We finally found a place TODAY and that was a huge relief. I had seriously been stressing when I'm trying to DE-stress, dangit! But now I can relax and start packing. Being productive rather than worrying.

This new place will be the last apartment we will have in Utah. So that makes me super duper happy! The goal/plan now is to spend this last year in Utah enjoying everything and everyone we will miss when we leave. And all the money we'll be saving on rent at this new place will be dumped into fertility treatments and saving for a cross-country move next summer! I'm so excited about all of this!!!

Moving out of state next year will mean that we won't be doing hair anymore. We'll leave all our hair clients stranded. Part of me is so excited about this, lol. And part of me feels so obligated to people that I feel bad! Seriously, no one knows how to do black folks' hair here. We are basically the only option for people! Come on, Utah. Someone else needs to step up and take over when we're gone! Oh, and I'll also miss the money. For serious.

I'm applying to be a volunteer at an animal shelter. I'm hoping it will expand my horizons about what kind of job I want to get when we move to Georgia. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, so I'm gonna give working with animals a shot! I do plan to work when we move next year, so my stay-at-home motherhood will eventually come to an end. It's been amazing, but not working has driven me a little tiny bit cRaZy. I'm excited to see how our lives change over the next couple years. Lots of changes are gonna happen!

We're still getting testing done at the fertility clinic before starting treatment. Zay did his semen analysis yesterday (fun! ha ha) and I'm scheduled for a dye test on Friday to check for any physical blockages in my tubes. I'll write about all that eventually! All I know is that I feel so confidant that this is going to work. That we'll be able to get pregnant if we just keep at the treatments. It'll work. And it'll work without in vitro. I may be delusional and setting myself up for another huge disappointment, but I don't care at this point. It all feels right and I'm going with that feeling. If I don't have a dream, what's the point of living??

Speaking of dreams, mine have been really specific lately. Twin girls. That's what I want. That's what I think about at night... I doodle their names all the time (of course I have baby names picked out, lol). I think my mom must have put that in my subconscious, because she keeps saying she wants me to have the twin girls she always wanted but never had (I told her if that happens, she's definitely gonna have to come help with the babies!). This is what I wrote in my journal just recently:

"I think it's okay to dream. To hope. To imagine things we want. But when I'm disappointed, when my hopes are dashed... I get scared to dream or hope again. It hurts so badly. But I want to get pregnant. I'm gonna say that out loud and write it in my journal and own it. It's my dream, my hope: I want to get pregnant. And I want twin girls. Is it silly to hope for something so specific? Yes. And I'd honestly be happy if I got pregnant with a healthy baby, no matter the # or the gender! But I'm allowing myself to be silly and to dream. Because if I don't hope, if I don't dream, then what's the point? Life would be meaningless."

I'll also add that I'd honestly be happy if I didn't get pregnant either. If I came to the realization that it wasn't going to happen and that we should just focus all our energy on raising Kal only, it would be okay. My happiness is not dependent on these fertility treatments working out. It's just what I'm dreaming about lately. And it's okay to dream. I think God wants to hear what's in my heart. He wants us to hope for things. Life rarely goes as planned, and my dream may amount to nothing. But I'm not gonna let life beat me down and tell me not to hope for something. I can't live that way.

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