Sunday, February 8, 2015

Choosing Faith Over Fear

There are a million reasons why we should be guarding our hearts right about now. But instead, we're allowing ourselves to be fully invested in this opportunity to add to our family. It feels good to look forward with faith and know that everything is going to work out just fine. That hope and peace is written all over this adoption.

I don't know how we got here, but I'm loving "here" right now. I've had some really miserable low points during this whole journey. We took some detours. But really the path was right in front of us this whole time. If I had kept the faith and waited with patience, I probably would've saved myself a lot of confusion and heartache. My only excuse is, "Well... if I knew the end from the beginning!!!"

Our family is coming to us through adoption. Just like we've always known. My relationship with adoption got scarred there for a bit. It was painful thinking maybe we just weren't good enough to be chosen again to be another child's parents. The insecurities and doubts and FEAR that overwhelmed us (especially me) the last couple of years made me think maybe we should be done with trying to adopt.

But here we are. Adopting again. Right when I thought we were supposed to try something different. I'm kind of embarrassed. Like, I need to ask adoption's forgiveness. :) I'm sorry, please take me back!!! You were right all along! I almost cheated on adoption with IVF, but thankfully I was shown the error of my ways. Let's make up. :)

I'm choosing faith. I can't go into this thinking we're going to come home empty-handed. I can't go into this worried over every little thing. I can't let fear overwhelm me when there's so much to be excited about. I don't want to rob myself of that excitement by focusing on the what-ifs. I've spent too much time living in that kind of fear and I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to be excited and talk baby stuff and get to be called "mom" by another precious little boy. I'm ready to see Zay rock it as a father to a newborn again. I can't say, "I'll be excited if it happens." I can't be guarded like that anymore.

I'm allowing myself to love baby Shakir even before I know he's really mine. And I think that's okay. Setting up his nursery, putting the car seat in the car, packing for this trip, picking out his name, telling Kal about him. I think all of that is okay. Sitting in fear and not allowing ourselves to love him and be excited for him just doesn't seem right. This child deserves to be planned for and celebrated. He's already loved by two mamas, a father, and a whole host of friends and family who are ready to welcome him. What a VERY loved little guy he is going to be (and already is)!

I thought I would want an underwater/sea theme for a nursery, but giraffes and elephants make me happy. :)

I added some giraffe print to the changing table. I like it. :)

Eating ice cream for breakfast. I'm an awesome mom sometimes, ha ha. Kal keeps asking when we're leaving for Kansas. Only 5 more days, buddy! And we're off!

My normal happy face.

My *real* happy face.

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