Wednesday, March 4, 2015

I am a Terrible Blogger

Just horrible, I tell ya.

I want to write about Shakir's adoption, but it felt like such a *huge awesome important thing* that it's hard to write about at all. To go from waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting... to omg, he's here!... just has my emotions all confused and out of whack.

Right at this moment I'm tired, relieved, excited, IN LOVE, sad, broken, grateful, angry, embarrassed, worried, and tired. Did I mention tired?

I'm tired because Kal is an amazing sleeper and we have been so accustomed to sleeping as much as we want at night... and then introduce a newborn and it's like, daaaaang. Plus I went right back to work the day after we got home. Jumped right back into working full-time. So, trying to balance everything all of a sudden is tiring. Good thing Zay is awesome at daddying and good thing we have friends who babysit at the drop of a hat. Once Zay's semester is over, things will get a lot better in the sleep department.

I'm relieved because I feel like I have been fighting and fighting to give Kal a sibling and to grow our family. We envisioned having lots of kids and with letdown after letdown, it was starting to look like we'd have an only child. And I DID NOT want that! But he's here! My baby boy #2 is here! I can stop fighting so hard. I can relax. I can get out of the trenches, because my baby's home! I'm relieved that we didn't have to do fertility treatments. I really am. It's not something I want to do anytime soon if I can keep getting out of it.

I'm excited because the future is looking awesome when it once looked very dreary! I have hope that adoption is our path again. I am looking forward to growing our family that way in the future as well. LDS Family Services is going to pay for LDS adoptive couples to have a free year of profile listing on That is gonna bring opportunities to so many waiting couples! I had been worried about LDS Family Services not doing adoptions anymore, but once we looked outside of that and saw how we could network and find our own path to adoption without working through them, opportunities come up much more often. This is a good thing. I am excited. :)

I am SO IN LOVE with this little baby!!! We call him "Shak" for short. That kinda morphed into "Shak Attack." I love my little Shak Attack! I love seeing him with Kal. They are the most adorable little duo I have ever seen! We'll lay Shak down on a blanket on the floor and Kal will curl up next to him and just put his hand on his back and stare at him. He'll say, "I'm gonna tell the baby a story!" and he'll start whispering to him. Or he'll say, "I'm gonna sing to baby Shak!" and start singing "Let It Go." Ha ha. He wants to hold him and feed him. He knows it's his job to protect the baby, so if he hears him crying, he'll announce it. If you get too close, he'll say, "Watch out for the baby!" Oh, my heart. Not to mention seeing Zay as a daddy to these two boys. Omg.

This little nugget. *squeal*!!!

I am sad because Shak's birth mom won't get to be his day-to-day mom. And that we have a second son who might not ever know his birth father. I know he's where he's supposed to be and that we were chosen to be his parents for a reason, but it doesn't make it any less sad. Adoption is complicated.

I feel broken because I couldn't bring a baby into the world myself. If this adoption had worked out a couple years ago and I hadn't spent so much time wondering if I should be doing fertility treatments or not, maybe all those old infertile wounds wouldn't have crept up again. But I allowed them back in and now I'm feeling all sorts of things I thought I was over and WANT to be over. Infertility is complicated.

I feel grateful. This is exactly what I wanted and it happened. How can I not be grateful?? Shakir's name means grateful/thankful and we thought it fit for that reason. I'm thankful for such a wonderful experience bringing me back out of my adoption funk. I'm thankful for Shak's birthmama for making us feel like family immediately and making us feel like we could trust someone again. I'm thankful that I prayed for a miracle and he's here. Thankful is an understatement.

I also feel angry that it took so long. And I'm embarrassed that I'm feeling angry, but I am. I'm angry that I had to go through so many ups and downs to get here. I just wish life was a tad bit easier, ya know? I pick a really good time to be angry, right?

I'm also embarrassed that I started a fundraiser and people actually donated to it. Ha ha. Is it silly that I'm embarrassed?

I'm worried about being a good mom. I'm worried about my own mom. She is thinking about moving to Utah and thinks this is where she needs to be. She's had some health problems and shouldn't really be living alone. I want her out here with me, but we really don't have the space. I'm worried about making big decisions like that and it not going as I'd hoped. I'm worried about having to move again (cuz we'll need a bigger place if/when she comes). I'm worried that she'll really like Utah and then we'll end up moving back to Georgia in a few years - what will she do then? I'm worried this last adoption used up our saving-for-a-house money and now we won't be able to buy a house as soon as we'd like and we'll be stuck renting FOREVER. I'm worried that we'll be in Utah even longer than I wanted.

I am just a hot mess of emotion right now. Not all of it really makes sense. It just is what it is and I'm trying to work my way through it and find my new normal. Overall I'm happy. It's just complicated. :)

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